I hope everyone had a great holiday! We enjoyed ourselves Christmas and as always, it was fun to watch the kids open their gifts and express how grateful they are for all they recieved. I will post pictures from Christmas morning and Christmas Eve a little later.
I worked New Years Eve, so I missed our traditional pot banging and watching the kids countdown to the new year, but other then that, it was OK. It's a new year and I hope many great times await us!
With this new year comes mixed emotions. This March will mark the 10th year "anniversary" of Little Warrior's death. TEN years. That seems surreal. There are days when Ice Princess' and Little Warrior's NICU days seem like they JUST happened. Little Warrior's death followed 10 months after their birth and I sometimes feel as if that happened yesterday too. I'm doing well and of coarse, life goes on(as it should), but no matter how long it has been, I will always miss my baby boy.
While at work last night, I found some of the CUTEST water globes with boyish looking angels in them. I collect boy angels so you can imagine how excited I was to see these. At 75% off, I can afford to buy a couple of them, so I will be adding some new angels to my collection. I was working near another coworker who asked why I collect only boy angels. I quickly explained why and he asked how long it had been since Little Warrior had died. I told him it would be 10 years in March. He said, "Oh wow, so it's been awhile then." I know he didn't mean it the way it came out, but it was almost as if he said, "Oh, then you are past it by now." The ironic thing is that, this 10th year anniversary has been on my mind the last few months. I remember how I reacted at the 5th yr mark and it hit me much harder then I anticipated. I remember wondering then, how the 10th year would hit me. 10 yrs. 10 years w/o my precious boy, 10 years of grieving under my belt(so to speak). 10 years that I have lived with out my little sweetie. Yes, ten years IS a long time and I have made it through so much. I've grown, I've healed and life goes on. I've learned a lot about myself and about other people. Life is a gift. We are given this time on earth and we should cherish it and do our best to cherish those we love. I miss my son. I always will. Some days I miss him more then others. I know he is not far from me and I can feel his presence more often then not, but I still miss him. Yes, it has been nearly 10 years since my baby died, but to a grieving parent, 10 years doesn't always FEEL like 10 years. Sometimes it feels like 10 seconds and sometimes it feels like it has been longer. The truth is, no matter how many years pass, I will miss my child. The pain has changed and it's no longer so "raw" and fresh, but bot a day goes by that I don't think about my child and wish things were different. Most days, I am past the "WHY did this happen to us?", stage. That said, I do have my moments. For those moments, I share this story. I found it on another grieving parents blog and it really says it all. It's a beautiful story. Little Warrior, I love and miss you but I know you are happy and whole. I know that our Father in Heaven needed you and you are where you should be. I know I will hold you once again. I LOVE YOU! Happy New Year, little one!
"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, I'll open up your heart..." "You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted. The surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, to see how much damage has been done..." "But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy. The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan what to do next." "But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in you heart, I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well." "You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there."
The surgeon left. The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery,"...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: pain killers and bed rest. Prognosis:," here he paused, "death within one year." He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"
The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is part of My flock, and will forever be. Here in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow."
The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?" The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has DONE his DUTY: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb." The surgeon wept. The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?" "Yes," said the surgeon. "What did you find?" asked the boy. "I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
